Healing with a Parent Before Loss

2020 Reflections – Part 1 of 5

When I look back on 2020, the year my mother passed away, one of the most profound gifts I hold onto is the reconciliation that had already taken place between us years prior. Our healing didn’t happen overnight—there was a time of distance, reconnection took time, honesty, and effort—but it was real and lasting. By the time 2020 came, our relationship was whole. And in the midst of the grief that followed her passing, I was deeply grateful that we had done the work while we still had the chance. Had we not, the loss would have been even heavier to bear.

From Tension to Tenderness

Over the years, our relationship carried some tension. There were unspoken hurts that I carried, old wounds, and there were moments where neither of us could quite reach the other. I did not feel understood, sometimes I did not feel loved. There was even a time when I did not speak to my mother for a year and half. It wasn’t easy to create that distance yet I believe it was necessary. The pain I carried could no longer accommodate additional wounds. But in the years leading up to 2020, something began to shift. We slowly began to connect. Out of the blue, I started receiving random “I love you” texts. She even started sending me messages filled with emojis that made me laugh out loud. We started to slowly talk more.

It slowly moved to nightly phone calls on my way home from work. At first, our conversations were just routine. Then, little by little, they became more open. She began to share stories about her struggles. She even acknowledged that I always accepted her regardless of her flaws. I acknowledged her comment and shared my truth that things were not easy for me. She paused then she said words I never thought I’d hear: “I apologize.” She acknowledged the weight of the responsibility that was put on me as a child.

My defensiveness fell away. To hear her acknowledge my experiences and how they affected me made me feel seen. The more we had our nightly talks the more gentle she seemed. The tone of her opinion turned into advice — still direct, but now softened with compassion. One night, while I was sharing with her a challenge that I was facing, she said, “When I struggle with these types of challenges, I went to Psalms 3.” 

In my head, I thought, Karen, is that you? 

She had never referenced scripture in the past. But in my heart, I knew: this was healing in action.

Letting Go of the Old Narrative

As a therapist, I know how challenging it is for both people in a relationship to change. It was as if the distance between us became a period of healing and restoration. For me, I took the time apart in continued prayer about the things I cannot change while trusting and believing that there will be reconciliation at the perfect time. Yes, that’s what happened, change. She allowed herself to be vulnerable. I allowed myself to truly listen without judging or waiting for the next point of defense.

We didn’t ignore our past; we lowered our guards and led with compassion.

Why This Matters for Grief

When she passed, I didn’t have to carry the weight of “unfinished business.” There were no words left unsaid, no apologies left unspoken. That doesn’t erase the pain of losing her — but it does bring peace in the middle of it.

If You’re Navigating a Strained Relationship

Not every relationship can or should be reconciled — safety and emotional well-being come first. And even when you’re willing to do the work, reconciliation may not happen if the other person isn’t able or willing to change. That’s not a reflection of your worth or effort; it’s simply the reality of relationships.

If it is safe and you feel called to try, here are three gentle ways to start:

1. Begin small – Start with short, low-pressure conversations.

2. Shift your focus – Let go of trying to “win” the past and focus on connection in the present.

3. Be open to surprise – Sometimes the other person will change in ways you didn’t expect.

   
   

Final Thought: Grief is hard, even when relationships were strong. But healing beforehand, when possible, can be one of the greatest gifts you give yourself — and them. And if reconciliation isn’t possible, your healing is still valid. You are not defined by another person’s willingness or ability to change.

If you’re walking through grief or preparing for loss, you don’t have to do it alone. Join my virtual grief support group →https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/eunice-e-curry-pottstown-pa/360372